I think I think too much

A journal entry by Sean Kathryn Bratton

I feel like lava overflowing a volcano, in excess with nowhere to go. A seashell that keeps getting spit out onto shore, over and over again as it tries to go back into the ocean. A balloon that slips out of a toddler’s finger, long gone into the clouds. A random sneaker you see in the middle of the road for no rhyme or reason. The feeling of not knowing what to do, while simultaneously knowing there’s nothing to be done. The feeling of urgency, yet nowhere to go. The feeling of restlessness, while equally as exhausted. The feeling of knowing while feeling so ignorant. I think that all is left to do is nothing at all. I think the mind games I play on myself are crumbling. I think I’m left with nothing, and that nothing holds everything. I think I’m going insane and it’s the most sane thing I’ve ever done. I think I’m in love, while simultaneously grieving every love I’ve ever experienced. I think I can only be everything all at once. I think I can only experience one while holding the other. I think it’s all one and the same. I think what I choose to put my focus on becomes my lens. I think I’m addicted to the pain. I think I’m trying to break the addiction. I think as it gets lighter it also gets darker. I think I can only feel as high as I’m able to go low. I think the seesaw is inevitable until I learn my balance. I think I know a lot but don’t know about you, and I think that’s why I linger. I think I’m addicted to trying to make the unknown, known. But the unknown can’t be known, or else then it’d be the known. I think it’s another addiction. I think I’m an addict to anything that distracts me from my internal. I think my internal is so deep that it scares me. I think I’m scared of what I’ll find in there. I think fear is a liar. I think my answers are in there. I think I need to keep going. I think I need to dig deeper. I think I think too much. I think I need to go to bed.