Making it up as I go

A poem by Sean Kathryn Bratton

As a child I used to swing for hours getting high and nowhere fast. Fenced into a small backyard meant nothing to me, not when my imagination is this vast. The sky is limitless, and with each swing I could reach it more. I would swing to the moon every day, make up songs, sing and soar.

I woke up this morning and something felt familiar, the crisp air maybe, the way it’s making me quiver.

But it was deeper than that, it was something in my bones, something bringing me back. Something dancing in my soul, something reminding me of home.

Nowhere to be, nowhere to go, nothing to do, Honey, you are home. My mind attempting to poke, to find something to race about and mope. I settle her down, take a deep breath in and bring this tea to my mouth.

This is it, Mama. You’re at your destination. Every day, every moment is your soul’s vacation.

There is nowhere to go, I’m here now, I am home. There is nowhere to be, but right here, like a tree. There is nothing to go do, except whatever my heart leads me to. There is no one to become, except you, as you dissolve and evolve into one.

I feel like I’m pedaling backwards as I move forward along this path. I feel like I’m falling up into the clouds, and there’s no gravity to bring me back. Not knowing what lies ahead is just the suspense I’ve been missing. I allow this knowing and trust in my heart to be louder than my mind’s flailing and hissing.

I let myself soak into the unknown, drown in child like wonder. As if I’m just here for the ride, living for the day, living for the feelings that take me all the way. If we’re being completely honest, I’m just making it up as I go. I’m just playing this character, I’m just going with her flow.

As a child I used to swing for hours getting high and nowhere fast. Fenced into a small backyard meant nothing to me, not when my imagination is this vast. The sky is limitless, and with each swing I could reach it more. I would swing to the moon every day, make up songs, sing and soar. I would feel her presence and she would set me free. She still visits me all the time, like this morning with my tea.

I laugh and swing, I swing and sing, I soar from place to place. Life is cyclical, paradoxical, synchronistic and mystified, in my case. But, she is me, I am her; the stars, sun, moon and outer space.